Loving With Your Guards Up

A anonymous reader to the Ask Carrie files writes..

I am a single Mom right now. What happens when u feel like U have been through so much in relationships in the past. Not that u are looking for a 10 (as far as a man is concerned) but u just don't want a repeat of your past experiences. Like I don't even really date now but how do you date and find a Mr. right or Mr. Right now as you say with your guards up. My mother always told me "I'm gonna pick and pick until I pick shit"

Signed Anonymous.

Well the long and short answer to this is you can't. You can't date and find Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now with your guards up.

Let me rephrase this, you can find Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now, but with your guards up you either won't know its him, because you won't be able to be fully engaged in the relationship out of fear of getting hurt and he won't be able to read where you're at.

When a person walks into a relationship with their guards up they are already walking in with the expectation of it failing. A lot of people say oh if he or she is the one they will get me to lower my guard... How about we all be responsible for our own emotional health and not enter into a relationship until we know you are ready, guards down, to love, and to be loved! If you aren't ready or you're scared to love AND be loved fully just stay single for right now...

Relationships have two requirements, to be able to love freely.. and to be able to receive love freely, you will not be successful with only 1, receiving without giving is bad and giving without receiving is bad too. You have to be ready for both for relationship success.

Now the fear of repeating past relationships piece.. This is a 3fold problem, one being do you keep dating the same type of people? First thing to do is stop doing that, step out of your comfort zone and date someone different, go places you've never been to meet people you've never met.

Secondly who is the common denominator in all your relationships? Its not the guys its you. If all your past relationships ended in some sort of hurt for some of the same reasons then its time for some self
evaluation and soul searching, how did you contribute to each relationship, and to the ending of each relationship? What were the issues and what behaviors did you repeat in these relationships?

Thirdly, why would you blame someone new for the hurt and pain that someone else put you through in the past? How is that fair to the new person you decide to be with? The old person is gone they can hurt you NO MORE, don't keep reliving the pain by bringing it to your future and assuming that any new person you deal with will be the same way! This new person didn't do it, so they shouldn't have to suffer for someone else's actions. Everyone you date should receive a fair shot, plain and simple. 

Before you even think about dating again this is the task you have to tackle.. Who am I? What kind of person am I in a relationship? And what can I do to improve the person I am and will be when in love? How do I argue? Am I a dirty fighter? Did I take low blows at my ex's? Why? How do I show I care? How did I make my ex's feel special or not special enough? That's how you prepare yourself for a new relationship, heal your hurts and take your guards down, it has nothing to do with the who you are dating and all about who you are while dating!

Iyanla Vanzant's One day my soul just opened up is a great place to start searching your own soul!

Gooood Luck ; )

Carrie Pink
Pretty World Inc
Modern Day Supergirl


CB said...

Thanks !!!

KP said...

Sigh...I wrote about something similar not too long ago, about "Grinding for Love". I'm a single mom, too. And it definitely hasn't always been sweet on the relationship side. The reality is, however, that if you don't ever let go, let God, and analyze 1.why you pick the same type of dude (cue Katt Williams), 2. what you are so afraid of, and 3. be willing to give AND take, you're never going to "find" what you're looking for. Not to mention that you never actually "find" anyone...they come when you're truly ready. Relationships aren't easy, no one ever claimed that they would be, but it'll work if you put the same amount of effort into it that you might put into finding that matching Betsey Johnson bag with those fly pumps. (just my example, lol)

Carrie, you hit on most of what I would and have said. "The Mastery of Love" by don Miguel Ruiz is also a good book to examine your heart, your mind, how love plays into both, etc. etc. etc.

Timothy Prolific Jones said...

Great Post Carrie!

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