The Baby Mama Debacle, Part 2


By now most of you have read the note I posted on Tuesday called The Baby Mama Debacle, Part I

Today I'm just going to respond with my thoughts to the writer and the article. Nothing Personal Anslem ;) It's all in blogging love.

In all honesty I respect your position of wanting to marry the person you intend to have children with, its admirable and really shows the strength of your character. To want to build a life with a person and commit to sticking through the good, the bad, the babies, and the ugly, with them,  is something most people RUN from.

However.. dude lets be realistic.. accidents happen. The chick you impregnate may not be the chick you want to marry, the chick you marry and have kids with may not be the one you want to spend forever with.. I think its great to be optimistic.. I mean I'm an uber-optimist myself. but *shrug* shit happens.

First let me say this, which is something that your article seems to blatantly assume, every unmarried woman with a child is NOT a baby mama! It seems like your position is if you aren't a girlfriend or a wife, then you are automatically a baby mama, which is just not right.  The term is derogatory are you say and does indicate a disconnection and every mother out of a relationship should not be referred to as such. There was a article I read a few months ago that said a baby mama is a mother who the man can't stand, or that he had NO relationship with, just a girl he boned and got pregnant. Any respectable man who had a child with a woman from a long term relationship that didn't work out, yet they are amicable, would NOT refer to her as his "BABY MAMA" however as you proceed through the article you talk about the experience of dating a single mom and the package deal, that situation is the same whether she is a baby mama or an ex girlfriend so you can't just mean baby mama's, you must mean all single women with children.

Also, let me just tell you, no sane woman, as least none that I know ASPIRES to be a baby mama. She doesn't wake up and say.. "gee all I want to be in life is a baby mama.. forget my character, forget my ambition, forget my strength, my humility, my passion, my drive.. Just judge me on the fact that I am unmarried with a baby"... Yet your article seems to assume that these "baby mama's"  had no aspirations to be wives to begin with..

What you don't acknowledge is that it takes TWO people to get married.. So even if the woman WANTED to be a wife, if the man doesn't want to marry her she has no choice in her "baby mama" status... Your article doesn't take into account that some men are just down right cowards when it comes to becoming fathers. She can be in a relationship with a man, long term, be engaged, be six months from walking down the aisle but if she gets pregnant, he runs like the wind.

Should the woman now lay on the table because she doesn't want to be a baby mama?

I feel like you are disqualifying a population of women based on circumstances they may not have been able to control. I frown on these judgments the same way I frown on women who disqualify an entire population of men based on educational or economic status. No wonder most people who carry these ideals are single, yourself included?

It's also unfair to assume that every woman with a child has baby daddy drama. Are you talking to these women before you disqualify them? or do you just hear child and run? Do you know the story or the situation? Since you say, "That’s not to say I’d never date a single mother but she definitely wouldn’t be my first choice" That automatically implies disqualification based on her mother/child status. Blanket assumptions of baby daddy drama hold about as much water as a hair net.

Maybe I'm biased because I was a single mother, want a sneak peek into my story? I was deemed infertile at 22 years old. I was in a 5 year relationship at the time, engaged to be married yet we broke up in the 7th year... 3 weeks after the break up I found out I was 2 months pregnant. You don't come face to face with a miracle and shun it... My ex-fiance and I became co-parents by choice,  and have never had an ounce of drama.. *shurg* would you know that if you just heard yes I'm a mother and ran? I've probably accomplished more as a woman with a child than most of the single women you know combined *shrug* I'm just saying..

To me the true test of a woman's character is exhibited in her relationships with her children. If you really want to know what kind of woman you are dealing with pay attention to her interactions with her child. It speaks louder than any of the accolades she gives herself verbally. I'ma Diva, blah blah blah.

The other issue I have with your position is that it puts relationship status above moral standards. I think the commenter on your page is probably right, men who think like you have probably paid for their fair share of abortions to avoid having a baby mama... but to me morals are more important than status. If you choose to disqualify women from your dating pool, because they chose not to have an abortion, well then you aren't the type of man she'd want anyway.. A woman who chooses to accept responsibilities for her actions and deal with the consequences of unprotected sex on her own should be commended not banished. Should every woman who is unmarried just abort their babies so they can be desirable to men who think like you? I don't think so.

You define a baby mama as an unmarried woman with a child, but what about divorced women with children? Is she more appealing to you because she followed the divine order of marriage then babies? or is she still in the undesirable pile because she has a child? or children? Your justifications for not wanting to date a single woman with a child; her inability to travel and have fun at whim, her ready made family, etc etc, would still apply to a divorced woman with children, is she penalized too because her marriage didn't work out?

After reading your article a few times it just sounds to me that your real issue isn't with the relationship status of the woman at the time of the child's birth or her relationship with the father whether civil or drama filled, your real issue is the INCONVENIENCE her child will have on your relationship if you chose to date their mother.

Any proud mother wouldn't even consider dating a selfish man who thinks like you and considers her kids an inconvenient byproduct to the life they are going to build and share, so don't worry we are not offended by your article, in fact its a blessing to single moms everywhere to now know your position. A single mother would want a man who respects her ability to tackle her responsibilities and her commitment to motherhood. Seems to me like you would be better suited for the host of selfish single women out there, some who are mother's and some who are not, but the most important person in their lives is still only themselves.

xoxo
Carrie Pink
Pretty World Inc
Modern Day Supergirl

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

To CarriePink

Your response to the guy's blog sounds extremely bitter. lol He has the RIGHT to not want to date a woman with children whether he has them or not. His blog was straightforward and honest. I'm a woman without kids and I wouldn't date a man who had them. That is MY right. How dare you call anyone selfish because they don't want to deal with someone else's children. I dated a guy that had kids and it was NOT fun. Not only was I in a relationship with him but I had to deal with his children's mother or whatever name you guys choose for yourselves. You are right this guy is doing women with children a favor by being honest and letting them know he has nothing to offer them. Would you rather a man date you and then treat you like crap because he has to deal with you and another man's children? I guess so, then you can't say he's selfish. You blog reeks of bitterness and reeks of someone that has a lot of regrets in life but you can't blame others for things you don't like in your life. Just because you chose your path in life, doesn't mean others are required to do the same. I think you need therapy to deal with your anger and bitterness. I commend the dude that can be honest and say this is for me and this is not for me. I guess anyone that doesn't want a chick like you is selfish, huh?? Why do single women without kids have to be labeled as being selfish?? Maybe they chose to live life the way God says it should be. Married THEN have children. lol Seek help my dear because you surely need it.

Carrie Pink, Modern Day Supergirl said...

LOL

I respect your opinion, but aren't you just judging me the same way you claim I am judging him as well? You don't even know me... OR DO YOU? LMFAO...I put myself out there fully and clearly, you obviously knew exactly where to read and find me.. if you want to discuss my perspective do so with a face and a name.

Those who hide under the mask of anonymity don't even warrant a breath of my time. I surely don't have to defend my life or my decisions to you now do I? You aren't even bold enough to post your info so I can get back to you personally.

But let's just say.. with the surge of negativity coming from your post, i'm probably happier, and prouder of my decisions and my life then you'll ever be.

have a blessed day!

Ronnie6676 said...

I wrote a response to the NWSO piece and he posted ir on his site on 6/17/2010. Check it out
http://nwso.net/2010/06/17/single-mothers-rebuttal/

Anonymous said...

interesting POV..

HOWEVER!----> Your President's wife, First Lady Mrs. Barack Obama, called her HUSBAND and the only father of her only children her "BABY DADDY".

So, if you don't like the term "baby momma" (and I don't like either term baby daddy/baby momma) then write a letter or a blog post to Michelle and berate her for using the term to describe the President of the United States.

thank you and good night.

KP said...

I, too, wrote a response to this on NWSO's original post...I had a whole different answer here, but the daggone computer deleted it!! No matter, I can paraphrase: Every single parenting situation is not filled with drama, and no matter how we slice it, single parents do not have the same liberties as single non-parents. In addition, people have the right to prefer who they prefer. Before I had a child, I wanted a childless date, because when I decided to settle down, I wanted to be able to start my family afresh, too, and so I cannot blame NWSO or anyone else that thinks like him for feeling the same way. Besides, the truth is, you fall for who you fall for, and you never know who you will fall for until you do. Everyone has a preference, and some people are enraged by this one, but I have seen so many other what I deem to be ‘absurd’ preferences (must be over 6′1, must make 80 grand or more, must be chocolate/yellow/cannot be white) that to me, I don’t think it fair to criticize NWSO or anyone who thinks like him for having their preference.
As for the term ‘baby mama’, I HATE the term, but it definitely applies to some people. It doesn’t apply to me. My boss always used to say to me, “If it don’t apply, let it fly”. So I'm letting it fly. Not to mention that I don't think he was trying to pigeonhole everyone as it might seem to some.

But no worries, CP. Since us single mothers choose the path we go down, and we're embittered and the like, we can go take our FABULOUS learned experiences and get some of that therapy suggested. Think they'll give us a two for one deal? *wink*

MultipleHeart said...

Everyone is entitled to their opinion...you just expressed yours.

And I think I might be the only one the saw the term "baby mama" as a way to catch my eye, not to mean that every single mother is a "baby mama". If any reads NWSO on a regular I think they have a pretty good idea how Ans thinks and that he respects women. He is a writer that expressed his personal opinion for the world to read. Frankly he said what men AND women think but don't say.

Anonymous said...

"Baby momma" and "Baby daddy" is a term used to characterized individuals that had a child or children outside of marriage. I understand that things happen. You have that perfect fairy tale image painted in your mind and then "BAM" things change.

I know somebody who just wanted someone to be his baby momma. This man (25 years old) didn't want to commit to me but wanted me to carry his child. I told him, "No I would like to experience that blessing with someone who sees me much mlre than a baby momma." So this man less than a month later asked another female to carry his child and she said "Yes." She is now pregnant and he still refuses to commit to an relationship. Although he is good at pretending his world revolves around her; this man is living a second life when she is not around. Some people are satisfied being the baby momma by choice... they just call eachother "Boo" now.

I am against the name Baby momma but you are his baby momma. It just sounds so tacky. I also choose not to date a guy without children or a child unless someone really changes my mind. I would like to share them first moments with the person i wed. If I get knocked up before than I will have to change but until than thats what I choose for now.

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